PoliSci 101

I'm actually going to do it.... drumroll, please....I'm ditching football and talking POLITICS! Man, we haven't even crowned a national champion yet and I have the gall to discuss something else? Actually I just prefer to discuss something with a play-off system. :)

No, in all honesty, I've wanted to start this discussion (and I do hope it will be a discussion) for a while but writing/discussing/blogging anything more than football or the occasional two-headed cat or even Britney Spears requires more time and dedication than I usually have. I don't have an abundance of either this morning but today is Iowa Caucus Day and even though it's only celebrated in Iowa once every 4 years, apparently it's a big deal. So without further random ado...

So today the people of Iowa will caucus and you can knock yourself out learning more about that process here. All I'm really interested in discussing at this point are the frontrunners and their respective pros and cons. I hope to do an issue-by-issue series in the very near future just to get a few things off my chest but not today. Let's go with ladies first... Well, I guess the next closest thing is Hillary Clinton. Okay, obviously I have a problem with her politics. She's uber-liberal even though she has slowly edged centrally on the political spectrum over the past year. People who believe she's gone "middle" don't deserve to vote. But I shouldn't worry because I doubt they could operate a car to get to the polls or remember the date of the election so I guess it all washes out. (Oh crap...don't they bus those people in? UGH.) Anyway, if you like Hillary then that's certainly your right but let's not pretend she's suddenly something she's never been in her whole life. I think we can all be above that, don't you? I do think it's fair to judge her on her spouse though as we don't live in a third-world islamostate where they pre-arrange your marriage two generations before you're born. In other words, for whatever reason she chose to marry that man and he spent 8 years chasing tail... in the oval office... while on conference call with world leaders. Not exactly Man of the Year in my humble opinion. And this is President of the United States of America so yeah, character counts for maybe everything something. And can we talk openly and honestly? I don't think now is the time to elect a woman as our commander in chief, especially for the first time. She can't (and shouldn't) change her sex but we also can't change the way those radical towelheads feel about women. Hey, I'm a woman (whether or not you can tell from my profile pic but I assure you I am) so I'm not being sexist. Usually women have a way of getting the job done (just FYI, I love women doctors for this reason and you don't know criminal justice until you've worked with a female judge) but I'm trying to be realistic and I honestly don't think now is the time...

Okay, so just when you think I couldn't get any more superficial in my political reasoning, here's my thoughts on Barak Obama. stifling chuckles Hey Dems, since I don't want you to win the Oval Office, please by all means nominate an African-American named Barak Hussein Obama. No seriously, please do. Because then we can nominate a man like Mike Huckabee and he'll cruise to the White House. Better yet, get Oprah Winfrey to endorse him because I just know the people who vote in this country are heavily influenced by Oprah. Maybe she can hock this book while she's at it. In a different age and time, he'd stand a chance but I think he'd be eviscerated in the general elections and probably seal the deal for The Democratic Party because if you can't take back the White House after W, you should probably just give up. But like I said, be my guest o' DNC and nominate one Mr. Barak Obama. Still chuckling.

So do I think the Dems have any other bright ideas? Don't be a donkey... uh, ever heard of a guy named John Edwards? If not, you better do a little research because he's your ticket, your Golden Boy if you will. He has everything you're looking for... a pretty face, a lot of money, a "Southern" heritage, name recognition, and if you want to be brutally honest about politics (and its an ugly, ugly thing) then he even has the bonus of a sick wife and a deceased son. I'd never ever play those cards but hey, I'd never ever run for the Oval Office. John Edwards seems like the new JFK and I think he's by far and away the most potent threat to the Republicans. Obviously I haven't done a lot of research but I'm pretty sure there's no philandering spouse (in fact, I'm sure Elizabeth Edwards would be totally off-limits) or crack but let's dress it up and drop the crack cocaine in his closet. Nonetheless, he might want to guard that closet door pretty closely because I'm 99% sure there's a tanning bed in there. (And that $400 haircut? Please, Oprah pays that much for a brow wax. Feel free to use that Mr. Edwards.) Hey, Dems, don't worry. I'm sure your party is in capable hands. Right, Mr. Chairman?

Okay, so now onto the Republicans, who usually equally disgust me. I doubt you believe it but it's true. I believe voting can be summed up as an exercise in the lesser of two (or more) evils. But that's neither here nor there... I just wanted to assure you that I do not "hate" the Dems because I "love" the Republicans.

You know I'm all about Huckabee and I'll go into that at a later date but I really think his electability is strongly dependent on the Democratic candidate (see above). Here's a quick rundown of how I think the other Republicans would fare:

By far and away the most electable on a national level is Rudy Guiliani. He's a hero, and rightly so, plus he's nowhere near "right-wing." Now no social conservative is going to vote for him in the primaries, which is his main problem, but if he can somehow get to the general election then he coasts. (Note to Dems: Vote in Republican primaries to assure his victory) Libs won't feel bad voting for him (even though he was tabbed a "fascist" in NYC before 9-11) and he would be great at shaping foreign policy. I'd love to see him serve in Huckabee's cabinet. If you are a party-man (or woman) til death then Rudy's your man. If you lament what the Republican party once was then the thought of Rudy on your ticket makes your skin crawl.

Speaking of skin-crawling, there's Mitt Romney. He's the male version of Hillary Clinton (well--no, I won't go there...) and waffles more than Eggo, Inc. He's a converted Mormon and believe me, that will be an issue eventually in this age of of bloggin'. He could always renounce Mormonism but it takes more than a buck-fifty to get you elected and that's all he would have left after his Mormon buddies pulled their funding. If you're a Republican, Rudy's looking better and better...

So John McCain is really a much better choice than he gets credit for. He's a bona fide hero and a centrist to the bone. He'd get the most bipartisan support (ie: this) and would competently handle our foreign affairs. He's more socially conservative than Rudy and has tons of experience. So why isn't he making a bigger splash? Well he is in New Hampshire and may make a good run at it... before he keels over because THE DUDE IS OLD. Sorry, but if he's up against John Edwards or even Mitt Romney (both of them tres GQ) then he's going to look like a pop-pop. He can try appearing on SNL a la Bob Dole, only he should do it BEFORE the elections. I think that may be Fred Thompson's last ditch (and I do mean last ditch) tactic... ha.

Well, I have so much more to say but no more time right now. And probably not an audience anymore either... :)